r/funny UnnecessaryInventions 10d ago

I invented unnecessary products and today I made the Cob Quicky.

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145k Upvotes

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6k

u/CurlSagan 10d ago

Just in time for Father's Day!

1k

u/TheFrenchPasta 10d ago

Perfect, especially with a "Miso Corny" apron.

297

u/nerfed_potential 9d ago

These should come together in a combo pack. Some of this guy's stuff would actually sell I think. I would buy this.

50

u/agasizzi 9d ago

In a world where truck nuts are as popular as they are, this guy could definitely make some money

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u/DaniJHollis 9d ago

I hate that I knew exactly what you were talking about when you said Truck Nuts.

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u/aledba 9d ago

There are a few things I've seen from this guy that I would buy

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u/rolandblais 9d ago

Well...

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u/NCAbbott 9d ago

This is so stupid..... I want 4

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u/wesgtp 9d ago

He would seriously make a killing if he could produce some of these cheaply. His stuff would be the go-to for gag gifts or just funny things we want to own ourselves.

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u/belowspot 10d ago

Or Valentines Day. A sad-sad Valentines Day.

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u/summonsays 10d ago

O.o I know there's a pandemic but it's a little bit past V day my friend.

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u/Maybe_worth 10d ago

It’s next Saturday in Brazil

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u/PizzaurusRex 10d ago

As a Brazilian, June 12, I agree. Wife already talking about it.

Here we call it "boy/girlfriend day"... "Lovers' day" seems better.

I tell her "sheesh we're married, you're not my girlfriend anymore, quit it already".

(But I already have a gift hidden and made plans, I don't wanna get murdered.)

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u/the_dude_upvotes 10d ago

I don't wanna get murdered

And yet you live in Brazil? /s

60

u/PizzaurusRex 9d ago

Maybe I do the murdering! Whaddya think bout that huh funny guy?

/S because mom might be reading this. Sorry mom! It is just a joke! i'll behave! No need to get the flip flop! Or tell my wife!

Send help. Better yet, send a ship or plane to get me out of Brazil

15

u/the_dude_upvotes 9d ago

Touché

Lucky for me I can make murderers laugh and escape the murdering

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u/PizzaurusRex 9d ago

I like you. I'll murder you last.

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u/summonsays 10d ago

Oh nice! TIL. Thank you.

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u/remotetissuepaper 10d ago

When you want to butter your cob, but want it to feel like a stranger is doing it

3k

u/Doctor_Nutsack 10d ago

I just sit on my hand for a bit

2k

u/action_lawyer_comics 10d ago

Ever hear of the Reverse Stranger? Same general concept, but you sit on your dick instead. Then it feels like you’re jerking a stranger off.

128

u/BunchOCrunch 10d ago

I wish my dick was big enough to sit on...

192

u/Embarrassed-Ad-1639 10d ago

Just get a stranger to sit on it. The “double reverse stranger” or “stranger danger”.

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u/sickleavegames 10d ago

If you sit on both, you can just watch and do the Voyeur instead!

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u/Everyday4k 10d ago

paint your nails first and it looks like a girl is doing it

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u/Seeminus 10d ago

Look at this guy bragging a out being big enough to sit on his own junk.

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u/its-42 10d ago

Are the thumb and index finger adjustable for smaller…uh corn cobs?

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u/snausagesinablanket 9d ago

use 2 sticks of butter

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u/chrisk9 10d ago

Just don't do it without the butter attachment - ouch

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u/DiligentTraining2 10d ago

Usually the stuff he makes is pretty corny but this looks legit

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u/DoobyScrew 10d ago

Can you make one for umm smaller corn? Asking for a friend.

4k

u/tewnewt 10d ago

And how about a left one? Asking for an imaginary friend.

3k

u/djhatrick12 10d ago edited 10d ago

It’d feel like someone else is buttering your cob

Edit: grammar

523

u/din7 10d ago

A stranger.

254

u/fingerscrossedcoup 10d ago

You just sit on it till it goes numb

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u/awkwardmystic 10d ago

Don’t think the cob would be very comfortable to sit on

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u/boomsc 10d ago

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u/orchibaldo 10d ago

Hold my corn, I'm going in!

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u/hzfan 10d ago

Hold my penis

anyone

pls

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u/khiron 10d ago

Ok, now what?

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u/hzfan 10d ago

Idk I never thought I’d get this far

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u/[deleted] 10d ago

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u/Stompedyourhousewith 10d ago

they don't call it the cornhole for nothing

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u/TheCarrot_v2 10d ago

TIL corn goes numb when you sit on it.

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u/DumbledoresGay69 10d ago

Never tried this. Does it work?

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u/Ruroni17 10d ago

That’s my purse, I DON’T KNOW YOU!!!

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u/mullingthingsover 10d ago

That boy ain’t right.

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u/DoobyScrew 10d ago

Just rotate it the reverse grip corn buttering can be very effective.

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u/ThouReaper 10d ago

Ahh the good old western grip

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u/Alithis_ 10d ago

What you need is one for each hand, and two cobs on each side lined up tip-to-tip to increase efficiency

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u/ccguy 10d ago

Call it Middle Out. Figure the cob-to-floor distance. Call it C2F.

30

u/Mosesmanofsteel01 10d ago

Do you know how long it would take you to butter every Cob in this room? Because I know how long it would take me.

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u/rightcoastguy UnnecessaryInventions 10d ago

Pics of your friends corn?

840

u/PM_Me_Your_Grain 10d ago

I've been trying to get people to send me their grain for years. Tough crowd.

192

u/Fear_Jeebus 10d ago

Five years.

Username checks out.

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u/worst_user_name_ever 9d ago

This is why I reddit. Every so often you find yourself watching a corn on the cob get jacked off with butter while a 5 year user with the perfect user name finally hits the big grain.

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u/The___Jackal 9d ago

What do you know about perfect usernames?

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u/Futuristick-Reddit 10d ago

Has your life been building up to this comment

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u/_Forgotten 10d ago

Stop asking to see your friends corn and just go to cornhub like the rest of us.

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u/feanturi 9d ago

"Why is there popcorn all over the livingroom floor? Billy! Have you been on CornHub again??"

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u/thelazycanoe 10d ago

So y'know baby corn? That's what we're talking

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u/rodman517 10d ago

…and one with the husk not cut off?

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u/Gsteel11 10d ago

Cob Quickly: Unhuskercized

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u/Arglefarb 10d ago

If you build it, he will come…

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u/Honda_Driver_2015 10d ago

again and again and again... maybe twice an hr

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u/horseradishking 10d ago

But he'll probably just turn over and go to sleep.

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u/artlusulpen 10d ago

Can you also do one with bigger spikes?

139

u/Azsunyx 10d ago

S'rong W'chu

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u/asnaylor 9d ago

Oh my god, I’ve just found my Vulcan name 😃

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u/rhet17 10d ago

You did see the metal prongs in the fake hand yes? That's a big risk.

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u/mpwrd 10d ago

Just don’t run out of butter.

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u/DriedUpSquid 10d ago

Pleasure spiked with pain.

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u/mackass17 10d ago

Your corncob is my aeroplane

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u/ShavenYak42 10d ago

Or pleasure pained with spikes

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u/mumblesnorez 10d ago

Well you'd obviously still put the butter in there

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u/SteveBored 10d ago

Seems a weird thing to ask. I'd like one hand crafted to fit my penis though. What's his contact details?

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u/surajvj 10d ago

This is literally 'Porn on the cob'.

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u/bluemitersaw 10d ago

CornHub for the corn enthusiast

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u/[deleted] 10d ago

[deleted]

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u/googolplexy 10d ago

Haha, you're literally right.

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u/Doctor_Nutsack 10d ago

Or one that looks like a foot instead of a hand? For… reasons

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u/mscott8088 10d ago

Cool. Now my actual hands won't be all buttery after buttering my corn on the cob.

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u/NoMaans 10d ago

D..do you hold the butter like this when you slather the cob?

458

u/xXtaradeeXx 10d ago

Do you not?

187

u/lorenzomofo 9d ago

It’s a borrowed reflex from my other hobby.

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u/jagoble 9d ago

Applying wood stain to freshly turned baseball bats?

15

u/420CowboyTrashGoblin 9d ago

Naw, probably waxing his quarterstaff.

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u/Notentirely-accurate 9d ago

It's easier to stuff butter in your mouth and deep throat the cob.

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u/frietchinees69 10d ago

But you'd need another handy tool to not touch the butter when you put it in this jerker-offer thingy...

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u/Slugggo 10d ago

As Seen On CornHub

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u/DanishWonder 10d ago

or FarmersOnly.com

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u/DistantWeeb 10d ago edited 10d ago

Nah, its called OnlyFarmers.Com.

Edit: holy shit this is my most upvoted comment

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u/PontentialJev 10d ago

What about XVegetables?

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u/banus 10d ago

Corn-stealing whores!

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u/beermoneymike 10d ago

As seen in HUSKER magazine

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u/jarediledundee 10d ago

That's how you get creamed corn

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u/AdamInChainz 10d ago

It will make his corn pop.

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u/Freddit- 10d ago

Corn pop was a bad dude.

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u/the_leprechauns_anus 10d ago

C'mon Jack, that's malarkey.

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u/LegendOfBobbyTables 10d ago

This is maybe the first of your "useless" inventions I'd actually buy. Seeing people's reaction when I bust this thing out at the cookout would be worth a little money.

3k

u/ErikTheAngry 10d ago

Imagine jerking off a bunch of corn in front of the family. Never breaking eye contact.

1k

u/knightofterror 10d ago

This device is ideal for church picnics.

487

u/Sir_Loin_Cloth 10d ago

Please give them to the priests.

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u/stupidbeagle 10d ago

"Hey Father... want your corn buttered?"

Priest: * look away meme *

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u/die-jarjar-die 10d ago

Reminds me of this classic skit

https://youtu.be/BkgMbU-we1o

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u/InsideVoid 10d ago

I forgot about this video. Damnit now I have to go to watch all their stuff again.

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u/Ibuyrealjaysaswell 10d ago

you actually made me grin and exhale thru my nose and today has been a shit day so thanks man!

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u/Sharcbait 10d ago

Ohhn yeah baby get all the crevices!

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u/PublicfreakoutLoveR 10d ago

"I'M GONNA NEED SOME MORE BUTTER OVER HERE, MA"

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u/[deleted] 10d ago

[deleted]

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u/Plantdas 10d ago

Agreed, my family would love this and I want one.

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u/captaincrunch00 10d ago

I want to send one to my entire family.

Anonymously of course.

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u/PathologicalLoiterer 10d ago

Spencer's will be selling them within the month.

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u/Ocronus 10d ago

Idea stolen from this dude while keeping all the profit.

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u/jterp213 10d ago

Please sell this so I can buy it as a gag gift

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u/Astan92 10d ago

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u/losingstreak838 10d ago

$1000 for a gag gift

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u/pizzafourlife 10d ago

I want the 12 membership card. mostly for how annoyed my wife will be looking for important things in my wallet lol

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u/Duosion 10d ago

The design is pretty slick too

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u/IJustMadeThisForYou 10d ago

I actually had one just like it. The holes were actually a weed grinder. Was pretty cool.

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u/iushciuweiush 10d ago

If you're going to be a cheapskate then I guess you'll have to wait for it to land in the store: https://shop.unnecessaryinventions.com/collections/inventions

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u/NightKing48 10d ago

Might be a bit overpriced for that tho...

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u/about90frogs 10d ago

That price says “I don’t want to make another one, but if you REALLY want it, I will.”

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u/laralye 10d ago edited 10d ago

Yeah plus a lot of companies send him cease and desists as if he's going to sell these products, so he can legally do commissions if someone asks since it'd technically be set art* and not a product lol.

18

u/WillWorkForBongWater 10d ago

Who's sending him the cease and desist order on this one? Adam. Adam from The Garden of Eden. There was some time there before Eve.

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u/IamAWorldChampionAMA 9d ago

I think crocs did

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u/Philosofox 10d ago

Who hasn't spent money on something stupid? At least this goes directly to the creator's buttery pockets.

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u/PublicfreakoutLoveR 10d ago

Your friends will think you're a jackoff.

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u/petSnake7 10d ago

One hell of a wanker

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u/stillalivecooliguess 10d ago

Masturbation jokes aside, this is by no means an unnecessary product. A well buttered COTC is a bbq necessity 11/10

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u/JacobiousPrime 10d ago

This is cornography, where's the nsfw tag?

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u/RTSUPH 10d ago

Does it vibrate to get that butter in those crevices?

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u/odin_the_wiggler 10d ago

Put it on the end of a shake weight while you ride your Asspounder 4000.

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u/paranoidandroid11 9d ago

It's not a dick, it's a fist.

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u/Midwest_Dad85 10d ago

In its lifetime, this product will butter exactly zero cobs of corn…

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u/Snarfsicle 10d ago

Spiked for your pleasure.

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u/din7 10d ago

I'm so corny right now...

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u/fnd84 10d ago

Rita corny Michael!

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u/braintrustinc 10d ago

Amaizing the amount of puns on this husk of a website these days

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u/SmartestCatHooman 10d ago

Already buttered one in the video!

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u/Shaneblaster 10d ago

What are you talking about? That’s how I butter my “corn”

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u/CONaderCHASER 10d ago

It’s already buttered one

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u/Affectionate-Boot-96 10d ago

This is not unnecessary. If you have too many friends and people think you're allright, whip out this thing

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u/ladyoffate13 10d ago

That’s right, whip it out and start rubbing away!

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u/JangoDarkSaber 10d ago

How to get the in laws to leave early

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u/cheeseburger720 10d ago

Do the Croc gloves fit on it?

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u/Neon_Carnivore 10d ago

Asking the important questions.

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u/Much_Beautiful_7156 10d ago

wow nice dude. nothing like a good old hand cob.

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u/Nasty2017 10d ago

Hand cobs are amaizing.

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u/phalewail 10d ago

I didn't expect to see hardcore corn on here.

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u/Thadd305 10d ago

Think you’re onto something with this one

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u/53withtrollhair 10d ago

I don't want to speak for anyone else, but in my honest opinion- Never Change.

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u/hankinArlen 10d ago

so this is what Aaron Rodgers is doing these days

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u/Fezthegreat 10d ago

offseason must be tough

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u/Pisto1Peet 10d ago

This is the real reason why he wants out of Green Bay. He wants to pursue hiss entrepreneurial career.

7

u/deviouspineapple 10d ago

Thats why he hasn't been to practice dontcha know

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u/FamousSunday 10d ago

Seriously... why didn't you go with the CobJob. Either way, hilarious.

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u/Overpaid_pharmacist 10d ago

You need to patent little cups to go into the butter groove and cash in on the refills like Keurig. Start with some butter refills for it, then partner with KY to start making some KY-cups that have different lubes

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u/degjo 10d ago

Different flavors for your corn, right?

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u/brothers1201 10d ago

Hands down, wait Hands up, nope Hands down...oh fuck it best invention ever!

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u/HellsNels 10d ago

HandCobbTM

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u/moosedownjacket 10d ago

This might be your best one yet! 😂

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u/lynivvinyl 10d ago

I gotta give you a hand this is your best job yet.

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u/relddir123 10d ago

Time to add “buttering the corn” to the list of euphemisms

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u/Couchmaster007 10d ago

Never realized how phallic corn is

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u/Dasbythebay 10d ago

Leaves a sticky residue, just like the real thing

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u/MacGyverMacGuffin 10d ago

You've made a mistake. This product may actually be necessary, or at least legitimately useful.

In fact, I'm getting excited thinking about it right now.

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u/Beefer_Jones 10d ago

thought this was Aaron Rodgers jerking off corn at first

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u/frivelousendeavors 10d ago

why is aaron rogers doing this with his free time?

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u/oneplusetoipi 10d ago

Strongly recommending to not run out of butter

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u/urboismeme 10d ago

I knew exactly what this comment section was gonna be

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u/CarCaste 10d ago

I want to buy it as a wedding gift

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u/mollymoon88 10d ago

An “old fashioned” way of butterin’ yer cob

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u/diamondsam2 10d ago

Idk what it is, but im getting weird vibes from this

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u/johnmarkfoley 10d ago

if you want to make it extra unnecessary, but a slice of buttered bread in the hand.

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u/I_Like_Quiet 10d ago

Only way to butter corn is the war games way.

https://youtu.be/btZi6EiIXbY

(Of course you it needs to be cooked.)

If you are doing it on a larger scale, get a crock pot full of butter and just dip it in.

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u/dupek1986 10d ago

100% he tested it on his dick.

21

u/LeadingNectarine 10d ago

I've never heard of that variety of corn.

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u/portablebiscuit 10d ago

If OP has the girth of a corn cob I'm:

  1. Impressed
  2. Intrigued
  3. Intimidated
  4. Envious
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u/Finest_Johnson 10d ago

Porn on the Cob.